I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
