I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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