i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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