Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
