pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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