Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
