He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
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he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
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I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.