When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT