That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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