if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
