Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
