having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
