I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
