The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
