I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
