Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
