my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Couch. On fire.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
