The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
