I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Drunk is a universal language darling
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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