I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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