How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You made out with two different species that night
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
