my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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