My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
