You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
