"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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