if you like me you must not know who I am
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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