You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
