i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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