I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
