Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
