you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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