Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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