The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
