Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
