maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
