The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
