i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
