it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
