Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
