I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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