Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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