Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
