watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Drake has all the answers
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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