I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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