I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
