i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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