haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
