so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Randomize
