My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
