he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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