I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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