WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
