I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
