My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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