Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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