it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
