Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
